Just don't let me disappear, Imma tell you everything [W10, post-trial]

[chiseler]

[The trials are getting worse and worse, he thinks. This time, at least, he's shaken for a whole other reason beyond being a suspect. It was a bloodbath in the last three days and all because someone he cared about very much was, again, taken possession by something none of them could be prepared for.

He's quietly letting Adam lead him back to their room. He's marginally concerned since Yuno's across the hall and he's remembering how she behaved during the trial and now this. She knows he voted for Dave. But in the end it was a good thing, right?

He has enough clarity to unlock the door so he and Adam can enter and climb up the ladder. It's only when they're up in the main portion of the room that he's staring blankly. In the calamity of everything that had happened, he'd managed a couple of things on his own. They're things he means to tell Adam now, but instead:]

...I think I'm gonna be sick. [It's hyperbole, but he does tug at the makeshift leash, pulling Adam with him toward his bed before easily sliding the scrunchie and twine off his wrist. He's been capable of removing it after some time fiddling with it, but Adam will now realize that it was simply because he didn't want to after a while. Accountability. It saved him today, and he knows that.]

Comments

[antietam]

I mean, if you're working on a project that's meant to connect the living and the dead... Well, there was that whole thing about preserving people through brain scans. If they have that then they could create an... artificial human, place the brain scan in, and there's your connection.

[ Adam is going to slowly move back over to Luke. He's still hurt, but not quite as angry. ] Where's he receiving this information from? There's no reason to trust Jack. Luke, we can do this on our own. We'll find a way. Just believe in me.

[chiseler]

[He's not moving so that Adam can at least approach him again and he's more apologetic than he's letting on. His pride's getting the better of him and he's refusing to bow just yet. He has to fight back on this. But he also knows telling Adam the truth is just going to piss him off further and so he leans back to let his head rest against the edge of the bed, resigning himself to a long night.]

Jack said he got a different datapad than the rest of us that had the information on it. If I didn't see the information myself, I wouldn't have believed it. It wasn't full notes, he just transcribed a lot of it himself based on what was there. He hasn't been in communication with whoever left him the datapad as far as I know, but they claimed he's the highest-ranking member on the ship. [There's a snort that seems to say Luke knows that's a Bad Idea.] You told me I can't and don't have to do things by myself. And I know having you with me isn't by myself. I am very aware of that pretty much every day. But there are more notes to access. I want those.

[There's a short pause then.] ...that could be true. That's sort of what happened to Jack, I think. I'm still not entirely clear on it myself. [....sigh.] Did you trust Elizabeth?

[antietam]

[ There's the same heartbroken expression but it quickly turns into one of resignation. He takes it personally like he did with the information being kept from him. Luke doesn't believe in him enough to listen, doesn't think Adam is useful enough. He looks to the ground. ]

She was a nice person. I trust you. And Dorian. [ He'll be honest even if Luke won't be. He could easily leave now, let Luke do what he wants and detach himself. But he wants to be a better friend than Luke is being. Maybe that's how Gansey felt about him. ] What do you mean, what happened to Jack?

[chiseler]

[It's official. He's pretty much done keeping secrets from him because that look is slaying him. It's the same look he'd seen on Annabeth's face near the end of everything of someone who accepts a terrible fate even if they don't want to. It's never been about Adam not being enough. It's always been about Luke not being humble enough to let go of control. How to fix that appropriately, he doesn't know, but he'll have to try.]

I kinda trust Dorian, but I still don't think he won't throw me to the wolves if it'll save himself. [It's bothered him, the admission that Dorian would scapegoat him. It's the same way Roxy's same confession bothered him. He's played this game as carefully as he can. He's not going to die without it being his own choice.] Anyway as for Jack, guy's like our dear Alice. Just…differently designed. Not sure how he's a real person now, but he's an AI, too. That's the other reason Jack's trying to solve everything and why he brought in the three of us.

[antietam]

We'd do the same to him. [ Of course he knows that Dorian will serve his own interests. That's exactly what Adam's doing, and what he's figured Luke has always been doing. It's a nice sort of bond. In fact, that's how his and Luke's friendship started out—both of them realizing one could easily betray the other, being ready for it, but building up something for their own selfish reasons. Now it's not like that and it's far less comfortable for Adam, less comfortable than this understanding with Dorian is.

He almost doesn't believe what Luke is saying. It sounds like a joke that's being used to lighten the blow of some other confession. ] What? ... Jesus. [ Give him a minute. It makes a little bit of sense. He remembers Jack correcting him that AI can have feelings and imagines he sounded insensitive in that case, but... He doesn't think he was wrong. They can't have feelings and Jack being one doesn't change his opinion on it at all. It makes him more dangerous. ]

He's not a real person. He can't feel things no matter what he says. He's been programmed to think he can, he's probably been programmed to think a lot of things... [ He shakes his head. ]

We're a package deal, right? If you're going to keep doing stupid crap, I have to go with you.

[chiseler]

Would we. [But it's not so much a question as it is a statement, a soft blow that yes, of course he'd do anything to save himself and Adam but that it's still something of a crime that people are targeting him for stupid reasons. He knows better.

Things are different. He's broken something he doesn't quite understand. It's not betrayal like it was with Camp or with the girls, but it's enough to be mildly unsettling. Saying "sorry" doesn't seem to be appropriate right now either.]

That's what he said. That he was an AI that was uploaded into Rhys's head and when he first woke up he hadn't realized he was dead or that he was an AI. Being here is all about perception…[…yeah the more he says it out loud the dumber it sounds. He wants to maybe believe but he doesn't know shit about technology. Maybe Jack is like Alice. Maybe they both just think he's an idiot. And that's insulting, but he doesn't say anything.] It's all the more reason we should keep an eye on him though, right? Together. I don't trust that he's not a little unhinged but if he's programmed right he might be our key to fixing the ship, too. Together. [That bears repeating.] We'll talk to him just once to see what he says. If you want to bail after that, we'll find another way.

…[And there's a small, tentative grin.] So…how mad are you still? [He's also moving to nudge Adelina's sword toward Adam again.]

[antietam]

Rhys? What does he have to do with it? Is that why Jack shot him? [ It's just a guess because. What does that even mean, uploaded into Rhys's head? He really hates this and is wishing it was as simple as the dead made things out to be earlier. He rubs at his eyes, overwhelmed and upset. ]

... You'd listen to me? [ It sounds like he's trying to hope again. There's a lot that's been broken here. The entire way he viewed their relationship has to be restructured and he's trying to slowly piece things together again. He doesn't look at Luke but he sees the sword being moved out of the corner of his eye. ]

I'm not happy. I don't know—after everything I've tried to do for us, I don't know why you'd do this. I don't get it. I think I was wrong about a lot of things and I hate that you made me look stupid. [ It's an attempt. If he keeps it in, he knows there's no way to rebuild. He has a lot of regrets about how he treated Gansey for a while, not allowing them to fix things. So he'll try here. ]

[chiseler]

I don't know. [It's an honest answer. He doesn't understand most of what happened with Jack and Rhys but Luke's arrogant enough he thinks two volatile personalities like Jack and Jason need him. Elizabeth was the balancer of those two men and Luke had been added at the last-minutes. (Truth be told he's just as volatile at times, but he's been working to be more responsible.] Jack might explain it but I don't really know.

[Here he looks genuinely hurt at least, though he has no one to blame but himself.] Of course I would. I get it. I moved without you and that's not how a partnership works. Guess I'm still re-learning how to work with people and not just myself. [It's not a satisfactory answer, but in the sake of being honest he's only saying what he has clear answers to.]

[There's a calm, collected look as he regards Adam carefully. If he didn't care so much about Adam's opinion and his thoughts on the matter, he'd automatically be defensive. As it is, it's a quiet sort of guarded and he drums his fingers on the floor.] How so? [He'll listen at least.]

[antietam]

[ There's a quick look of disbelief on his face that Luke hasn't bothered to ask these questions. How could he get himself involved like this without knowing everything? It makes his faith in this situation sink, but he also knows this is why he needs to be a part of it. Luke doesn't need him, but Adam will try to make things safe for him.

The answer is enough for him at least. He knows what it's like to act alone, to betray a friend's trust. He probably deserves to feel this in some way, because his friends in Henrietta would never do it to him. He's been lucky. ]

I thought we were doing everything together. I thought we could only rely on each other, so I told you everything and didn't think about hiding anything from you. It was stupid. We haven't known each other for that long and I assumed. It's my fault. [ This is a first for him, a conversation about feeling hurt. He hopes he doesn't screw it up. ]

[chiseler]

[Well…I mean…this is the same boy who got himself involved with the Lord of the Titans without asking a lot of questions because he's an idiot. He's realizing that there's not a huge difference between then and now. He has some amount of wisdom, sure, but it's the same pattern. It's something he needs to be honest with Adam about, something he hasn't really made clear because he knows, he knows it's a horrible way to approach things. Adam at least deserves the truth.]

It was stupid. I mean what I did, not what you did. Or maybe that was stupid too? I don't know, I don't want it to be stupid. [There's a short pause.] …that part isn't your fault. That's on me. I didn't uphold my end of our deal and that's entirely on me. [Which is a big thing to admit. In most things, Luke shifts his blame to someone else. It's the fault of his father, it's the fault of the girls for not coming with him, it's the fault of Percy, it's fault, fault, fault. But here…it's only his fault. It's very mollifying.] I'm sorry. I know that means nothing now, probably, but I'm sorry…I got desperate for answers. I wanted something that would make sense and I thought maybe having more information would help. I wanted to understand it better first but it doesn't matter now because I should have told you. [That's it. No excuses. He should have explained everything.] I know better. Even if I was wrong about Dave, I know that you're the only thing that's keeping me going here and I should have known better because you're you. That's the whole point, isn't it? […yeah he's stopped looking at him because that wasn't quite what he meant to say, but okay.]

And if you don't trust me as much after this, well…I can't really blame you for that either. [As much as he wants to make it better. He looks at Adelina's sword, hand moving to spin it just a little on the floor.] I know what you're thinking, by the way. I didn't steal this from anybody so…if that's what you're worried about, don't. But please consider taking it at least.

[antietam]

[ If he thought about it more, maybe he would realize that the blame in Luke's narrative is never quite with him. The way he's been introduced to the story is that a lot of things happened to Luke, that Luke didn't have much of a choice because of other people, because of fate. He doesn't think about it much because he's the opposite, always blaming himself, always thinking there's something wrong with him that causes these things to happen. Something that others will one day see and blame him for too.

This helps because Luke is telling him not to blame himself. Maybe he didn't make a mistake here, didn't misunderstand or do something that caused Luke to not trust him with this. There's a cautious sort of calm coming over him. He doesn't get apologies very often, or... ever. All of his friends are too stubborn to apologize and it makes him realize exactly how much this means coming from Luke. He's stubborn too, he's proud, this is hard for him. He looks over at Luke, gaze softening. ]

... I understand. [ In a way. He wouldn't have done the same, but he knows Luke has gone longer without friends, without people to confide in. ] It's getting to everyone, I know. It's frustrating and sick—but we can't let it separate us. Or they're going to break us too. I need you with me, Luke, and I need to trust you. I do trust you. I just want you to believe in me.

[ He moves closer until he's in front of Luke and he grabs the sword, takes it up and tries to get used to the feel of it. It should show that, yes, he's taking it. He was always planning to. ] How'd you get it? [ He realizes it's a dumb question after he asks. If he didn't steal it, it was given to him. He doesn't know why Elizabeth would give him another sword, but it's something. ] Elizabeth?

[chiseler]

[In truth, it's part of why he knows it's important to specify. He doesn't know exactly how deep Adam's issues go but he can take a guess. For once this isn't something that's happened to him, it's something he's caused. It's his fault, his doing, and he needs to specify that to make it real. All he wants is to regain the same sense of calm security that's usually present when Adam's around, and vice versa. It's not something he was aware of before it nearly slipped through his hands again. It's…nice, he thinks, to have these people trust him, to have people treat him the way they had before he tried to destroy the world.

He'd still destroy the world, of course, but now the reasons have changed. He still doesn't quite meet Adam's gaze but there's a small, sheepish smile. That's what needed to be said. He doesn't so much care about acceptance because he knows he and Adam won't always agree. But understanding is what he needed out of all of this.] I know. Trust me, if I didn't believe in you I wouldn't have told you all of this now and then some. I also wouldn't have worn a leash I could have easily removed. [Just saying.] Every other move we're doing together. I promise.

[He finally looks up when Adam gets closer and takes the sword, watching with interest as he swings it a bit in the way Luke's been training him. He nods though.] Elizabeth via Jason, I guess you could say. Jason has his laser sword [Lightsaber, but whatever.] so he figured I could use this one. I'm one of the only swordfighters left on the ship. [And he looks a little more proud.] But what's the point of me teaching you how to fight if you don't have your own weapon?

[antietam]

[ Adam manages a quirk of his lips when Luke mentions the leash. His eyes flick over to it where it's abandoned on the ground, the smiling balloon gazing at them. It feels judgmental. Times like these show him how broken they both are and how desperately they cling to each other for something to believe in. There's no way he could abandon Luke now or think any less of him. It's too late. ]

I know. [ He believes him fully. Maybe it is stupid. He doesn't care. ] I'll do anything possible to get us out together. If it means going along with some AI, so be it. You're not doing anything alone.

[ It's a nice sword. He feels bad about it since Adelina didn't give it to him. Would she even want him to have it? Probably not. He could send her a letter in Furry Passing, if it'd even get there. ] We can have real sword fights now. I want to train tomorrow. But for now, I think... [ He looks at Luke, his expression tired but concerned. He'd like to sleep on all of this and wake up fresh but he also doesn't want to leave Luke to wallow all night. ]

[chiseler]

[That poor, now-monocled balloon. He's trying not to look at it kind of the same way he's trying not to look so relieved that Adam's seemingly forgiven him now but it's hard to bite back the reassured grin. They're both really, really screwed without each other. He's accepted that.]

I was hoping you'd eventually say that. It'll be fine. Jack doesn't have his gun anymore so that should help, too.

[The idea of training seems to pique his interest, too.] It'd be a good idea for you to get real practice in and not twirl around our room swinging Backbiter when you think I'm not looking. [Sometimes Luke sleeps early. Sometimes Luke just likes to observe and pretend he's sleeping. But he nods once he notices that Adam's a little drained.] ...call it an early night, Parrish. I'll try not to be up much longer, I just...I want to finish some stuff. It won't be long.

[antietam]

[ Adam raises an eyebrow, now regretting saying that since Luke apparently was expecting it. He also does not feel that the lack of a gun helps anything. But he's committed, he has to. ]

I can't learn if I don't practice. [ He huffs and crosses his arms. He seems to tense a little when Luke is vague about what he's doing. ] What're you gonna do? [ Sorry, Luke. This is how it'll be now. ]

[chiseler]

[He can't be perfect okay. But he looks up at Adam with the most innocent look possible before he holds up both hands in a surrender kind of motion.]

Relax, I'm not going anywhere...I just have some letters I want to finish writing. That cool?

[antietam]

[ He relaxes immediately. Luke could lie, probably, and sneak out since Adam would never know... but he trusts him. ]

Yeah. [ He thinks about apologizing but. Nah. Instead he stands up to get ready for bed. ] Night, Luke. Try to get some rest tonight.