So cradle your head in your hands and breathe [Post-trial Week 9]

[chiseler]

[He hated it. He hated the idea of making Adam wait, hated the idea of not being able to go back to his own room and just stop everything, but he was approached before he could even leave the trial room and had to figure out a way to slip past Adam for a little while. He'd at least had the foresight to let Adam into his room and promised he'd be quick, he had to just decompress for a bit, did his best not to feel bad he skirted the truth and failed anyway.

It's about an hour and a half after the trial when he comes back, unlocking the door and slowly lumbering his way up the ladder to his room. It's become something comfortable knowing that someone was waiting for him. On the other hand, he's a little worried anyway.]

...you still awake? [It's still pretty damn early, he'd be surprised if Adam was asleep.]

Comments

[antietam]

[ Adam can't help but laugh because Luke makes himself sound so awful. And maybe it's not funny because he probably actually believes it, but it's ridiculous to him. ] I think you're capable. We'll start slow. Babysit a few hours a week.

[ He goes still when Luke says that, though. Maybe he's become too clingy. He doesn't understand why Luke wouldn't go with him—well, he does. Luke needs to live his own life, not Adam's. But Adam is going somewhere without any friends and the truth is that he'd vastly prefer to have Luke there. He ends up not responding because he doesn't want to sound desperate or pushy. Luke will decide when the time comes and Adam will respect it. ]

What did you write to her? [ Moving off the topic, now he's just looking at the envelope. ]

[chiseler]

I can do that. It's just Opal right? Think we'll get along fine. [Theres an awkward silence not only because he's aware they're both thinking about the future and he has to wonder if they're thinking the same thing. He doesn't get a chance to ask though before Adam brings up the letter.]

You wanna read it, or you just want a summary? It was meant to be just for her, but...well. Today happened.

[antietam]

[ He doesn't doubt that Luke and Opal will get along fine. Luke seems particularly good with kids and exciting enough to keep her entertained. It's one of the thoughts that keeps him going sometimes.

But, sure, he's curious about the letter. He thinks it's a little too personal and that he shouldn't read it, but... he ends up reaching for it anyway. Maybe it's better if he doesn't make Luke say it out loud. ]

[chiseler]

[To be perfectly fair, at this point most of the boundary lines are blurred with Adam. It's a personal letter but not too entirely personal and it's for that reason he doesn't seem to mind handing over the letter.

When Adam reads it, he'll notice it looks like it was written very slowly and deliberately to ensure everything's readable and spelled correctly and etc. And while Adam reads, Luke's just playing with the scrunchie around his wrist and staring at his feet, waiting for the incinerator to be ready.]

[antietam]

[ Adam sighs almost as soon as he begins reading the letter. There's something horrible about reading a letter that was meant to be read posthumously when Luke is standing right there next to him. He can assume there's something like this behind that painting for him and he hopes he never has to read that.

The irony of the content doesn't escape him and he can understand now why Luke specifically wants to burn it. He shuts his eyes for a long moment, then hands it back to him once he feels the fire going. Then he leans just slightly against him, not enough to put actual weight on him. It's mostly meant to comfort himself rather than Luke, but maybe it can do both. ]

[chiseler]

[One hand comes up to take the letter and the other reaches up to tousle Adam's hair just a little. The fire's going. All Luke has to do is open the door to throw the letter into the flames and walk away. It's really simple, and yet he's hesitating just a bit.]

...I told you about the burial shrouds, haven't I? How our bodies are burned in them back at Camp if we die while out on a quest. Campers that go on quests have their siblings make them a burial shroud. Even if the camper comes back alive, it's ceremonious to burn the shroud anyway. This sorta feels like that. ...is that weird?

[antietam]

[ That sounds awfully morbid. He doesn't really understand the point of going out on something where you might not come back. But then, he's used to surviving at all costs. He doesn't have a superstitious mind, but burning the shroud for someone who's alive sounds like a way of inviting something bad. But Luke's not asking about that. ]

No. This is like saying goodbye. [ And he does sound sad. He genuinely wanted Adelina to make it. Life isn't fair when someone like Jack is still around and she isn't. ] I think there's more of her in there than anything. Who she was before she was manipulated and broken down.

[chiseler]

[It's probably good Adam keeps those thoughts to himself because it's about tradition and there are some traditions Luke doesn't argue. But he relaxes a little when Adam seems to get it, nodding in agreement while he watches the fire finally get up to speed with what he want.]

Exactly. It's just another thing I hate about this place. How easy it is to get to people and break them down. [And with that he quickly opens the door and throws the letter into the fire, closing it up to let it burn and keep the flames away from himself and Adam. The fire comes to life and the letter begins to burn.]

She was a kid. Same age as Percy and Annabeth, actually. And she had a husband and a kingdom and all she wanted to do was make sure some prophecy she fulfilled wouldn't come undone because it helped stop something that killed hundreds of thousands of people. When you think of her that way, it almost doesn't sound so bad.

[She still killed two other people though.]

[antietam]

[ The trials were a lot easier at first. The murderers were bad people who killed innocent victims for stupid motives that likely weren't true. Now Adam has been tempted and he's seen friends fall for reasons that he would also kill for.

He can tell as soon as Luke mentions a prophecy why this might be even more upsetting for him. ] No, it doesn't. [ But he's thinking the same thing. He liked Machias. ]

I don't know why... she had to target someone like Machias. She could have gone for anyone with her immunity. [ He's biting his lip, then he turns to leave the incinerator. It's hot and he doesn't feel like standing there anymore. ] I thought since she had so many friends, it'd be easier to stay in check. Like you and me, you know? If we can't stop each other, what can?

[chiseler]

[Yeah. He liked Machias, too. He knows what the answer is though and when Adam turns to leave Luke follows at his steady pace.]

You just answered your own question. Adelina had a lot of friends. Can you really imagine her killing someone like Elizabeth or Jessie? It wouldn't make sense. Besides...you always wanna take out the strongest players when you're stronger than they are. Machias knew how to aim, and Machias survived the second round of aliens. If she thought maybe Machias would be a risk to other people she cared about, and on top of the motive...think about it.

[But he shakes his head.] The only thing that can stop us is death in that case. But I think you and I have been doing okay so far.

[antietam]

[ Adam sighs, really hating having to picture what happened to Machias. He can get through the trials fine on Bull's advice—pretending they're not people—but it's afterwards that's hard. Still, he really appreciates that Luke is giving an honest answer. Luke is reasonable when he can't be, and he tries to do the same. They make a good team. ]

I guess it's at that point. Take out whoever you don't like. [ It's terrifying. He presses his arm to Luke's and then puts a hand on his back to lead him onward. ]

We're good. We won't let this break us because we have things to look forward to. Things we can only do if we survive. I think... I'm lucky to have you. When something's already broken it's usually even easier to break again.

[chiseler]

[It's an unfortunate scenario and he knows it's a shitty thing to think about, but they have to. They have to look at facts now and the fact of the matter is despite Adelina being a strong fighter she wouldn't have been a match against him otherwise. There's some weight in the words he remembers her saying about how she doesn't like guns..he has to wonder if she'd thought of that when targeting Machias, too.

But he doesn't say that. There's no reason to say it and no reason to upset Adam when this was already a draining trial as it is. It's as they're heading to the elevator and he feels Adam's presence next to him and hears what he says that Luke's mind focuses elsewhere.

Lucky, huh? Is that really what this could be called? He's aware that something could happen at any moment to either of them, but at the same time Adam makes sense. As usual.]

...I'd say "trust me, I know", but I think you know exactly what that's like. [They both came from pretty bad situations and were broken people who were thrown in the thick of things. Adam had a happy ending. Luke didn't. Lucky? Maybe.] You really think we'd be broken without each other?

[Even with the way he says it it's obvious he thinks that's true. He'd be far less inclined to behave if he didn't have someone to hold him accountable, not to mention how much harder continuing on would be. Without a focal point and without a purpose, why would he keep going? Adam, whether he knows it or not, gave him both.]

[antietam]

[ That's why he says it at all, because Luke understands. There are a lot of things he never tells his friends solely because they can't understand, and that always becomes especially lonely. For the first time, he's met someone who does understand, who understands everything and that's exactly why can't let him go. This is a special thing, something rare and precious. ]

You can't always keep picking up the pieces yourself. [ Which is to say, yes. It's hard for him to admit. He's always had to pick up his own pieces and keep going and for a long time he thought he would break for good. Which isn't the same as giving up. Adam Parrish never gives up, but he knows how easy it is to stray. Luke knows too. ]

I don't know who I would be now without my friends. Someone who I wouldn't like. But I didn't think—I would make any friends here. I just wanted to get out. I still do, but... See? There's a caveat. [ Luke. ]

[chiseler]

[Demigods only had other demigods. It was something Luke had thought once upon a time before he decided even demigods couldn't help him and he'd broken off on his own. Luke Castellan had led a very long-yet-short life filled to the bring with anger and bitterness and loneliness that he sometimes found people to fill the gaps with. There had been Thalia, of course, and Annabeth, too, but at the end of his life he'd nearly lost everything.

So really, he gets it completely. They're in the elevator and heading back up and he thinks of the letter burning in the fire even as he mulls over Adam's words.]

Maybe I can't, but you can't blame a guy for trying. [He leans back against the wall on their short ride up and he's giving him an appraising sort of look. In a way, he's still not sure how or why Adam Parrish was brought to him. That's how he sees it. It's not that he met Adam or that Adam met him. It's that they were brought to each other in the similar fashion Amalthea brought Thalia to Luke or Luke and Thalia were brought to Annabeth on that pier.]

Take it from someone who saw what he'd become without his friends. That's the much better option, I think. [He tilts his head.] ...for a really long time, I thought Alice made a mistake. Why would you revive somebody for something like this? [The elevator dings and the doors open.] I didn't come here to make friends either, but at this point it'd be too....[He lets the sentence hang as he grabs Adam's elbow to steer him out of the elevator. At least his room's in the first block. He doesn't finish the sentence, but he also doesn't let go of Adam's arm. That should say enough. They'll continue when they're not in public.]

[antietam]

[ No, he can't blame Luke. It makes him snort. It's not like he ever really got close to anyone until Gansey. That's seventeen years without relying on other people. It's partially why he never expected to get close to anyone else here. Gansey was a fluke, a special sort of person who collected the misfits who didn't have friends otherwise.

Part of him still isn't really sure how Luke happened. It's like he fell into it without realizing. There's a point where he starts to put the pieces of what Luke is trying to say together. Why Luke might not think this is a mistake. It jolts him and he's too caught up in that to think about Luke ushering him along. It's probably not what he's thinking.

He comes back to himself when they're in front of the door and he waits for Luke to open it before going inside, climbing up. He settles in easily like this is his own room, sits down on the bottom bunk before looking at Luke expectantly for the rest of his sentence. ]

[chiseler]

[If he were to think about it, he'd realize there are similarities in how Gansey and Annabeth are versus how Thalia and Ronan are and how he and Adam are and all things that are perceived by them. The friends who didn't give up, the people they'd hurt and the people they loved. Somewhere along the way, sometimes when he thinks, Luke forgets what part of the narrative is his and what part is Adam's because they're similar.

He says nothing still when they return. Adam sits on his bed and watches him and Luke knows that he's watching, paces around the room like a caged tiger as he thinks of what to say next.]

You know what drives me crazy about you, Parrish? You stick around here and you talk to me and you make all sorts of promises like you think it's the most natural thing in the world. That part isn't even the crazy part. No, see, the crazy part is I can't tell when it stopped being a conscious choice and when it became second nature and we stopped questioning these things entirely. [Pacepacepace.]

I'm not stupid enough to think I was brought here because somebody wanted to try and make me feel better. But it's too weird to think about the weeks you weren't here. [Here, of course, being in Luke's frame of reference rather than the ship itself.] For a while I wondered if I tried for rebirth and messed up and that's why I was here. I don't think that anymore, and...I don't think I want rebirth after all of this if it means losing memories of people here. I don't think I was brought here just to lose everything again.

I don't think it was fate that we met because that would mean someone else is controlling it. Maybe it's Alice's fault we're both here, but it's my choice to stay here. And that's why I'm here. And that's why you're here. And that's why we're leaving together, isn't it?

[...yeah okay maybe he's lost his mind a little. Oh well.]

[antietam]

[ Adam sits patiently because he knows that pacing is just another way of thinking. They are certainly different in those ways, the ways they express themselves outwardly. He narrows his eyes just slightly because he thinks all of that can't be good for his sore back, but Adam is sort of sitting on his bed anyway.

He becomes defensive as soon as he hears what drives me crazy about you like it's going to be some horrible insult, back straightening. It could turn into a fight and he's really not in the mood for it but he isn't going to take something like—

Like that? He's not sure what Luke is saying but it's not bad. It's sort of entirely what Adam was thinking, how this happened like they'd always just known each other, like they're as close as the people from the same worlds. Maybe it's a little bit of all of that, in a way. There's certainly a lot being said and it makes his face warm because he's never really thought about the impact he might have on Luke. He's trying, sure, trying to give him a good life but that's in the future.

He finally relaxes when Luke says it isn't fate. It's appreciated. Their choices somehow led them up to this moment and Adam can't regret it at all. He stares at the ground when he speaks up. ]

I've... been worried that you might still want rebirth. And I couldn't blame you. I wouldn't mind not being Adam Parrish, and if you had the choice... It always seemed kinda selfish. To want you to come with me. You might not be happy there in my crappy apartment, relying on people you barely know.

But I kept pushing anyway because, it's kind of weird, right? I don't remember what it was like without you. And I don't think it's some ship messing with our memories or your manipulation that you don't even have, it's just—I don't know what it is. Just our choice.

[ He finally looks at Luke and smiles slightly. ] I guess at some point I started to think this wasn't the worst thing that could have happened to me. It's not fate, but it's right, you know? The right thing that happened. So that's why it's lucky. I would have done anything to get out of here on my own, but I won't let that happen now. Maybe you don't want me promising anymore, but it's not going to happen. I'm not going anywhere without you.

[chiseler]

[Judging by the fact he's wincing now and then, no, it's not good for his back and he should sit down but he can't. Not when he's buzzing with energy. Not when he's making connections and ideas and his brain's on overload. He isn't like Annabeth or hell, even like Adam who can think through things and sort them easily. Once Luke latches onto an idea, there it goes. He's not even entirely sure what he's saying this whole time but that's the good thing about Adam. He doesn't have to make entire sense for Adam to get it.]

I'll be honest, I still wasn't really sure until recently. Rebirth means a lot, but it's not something you have to do when you die. It's a choice you make. You can choose rebirth if you want and. [A beat.] I wanted rebirth because I wanted to try again and make up for what happened. I wanted a chance to live a better life. There's no guarantee I'd even be reborn as a demigod. I thought maybe that's the chance I wanted to take. I might not be happy in your crappy apartment above the church and I might not be happy having to wrangle Opal to stop her from eating trees or having to deal with Ronan being Ronan, but I know I'd have a way better shot at trying there.

[A grin.] But of course it's weird. The whole thing's weird. You made me a bed of pillows yesterday and slept under a table with me last week. I've been teaching you how to fight and also apparently giving you room to enact weird bible stories. [He nods to the makeshift ark.] The thing is that it's weird, but it's ours. That's the part I like about it. No pre-determined fate or anybody knowing how this will end. It'll end the way we want it to end.

The right thing and the wrong thing are still a pretty gray area no matter how you look at it. But I think this part's right. I haven't seen any fallout yet, so it can't be that bad. [A pause.] I mean besides the whole "we're on a murderous spaceship" thing because that's obviously bad, but it's less bad. I'm going to make sure you live through this, and I'm going to make sure I live this because I've got high expectations for whenever we get to Henrietta. Or Cambridge. Or wherever we wind up.

[He finally stops pacing if only because he wants to stop moving.] And surprisingly you were right about something else today, too. You've gotta stop doing that.

[antietam]

[ He ends up continuing to smile without realizing it, which isn't normal at all. His natural state is pensive, a crease between his eyes and a frown. Smiling is always full of intent for him, a calculated sort of thing like his politeness—to show that he isn't a threat. But here it's easy and natural, and he really, truly feels happy. On a murderous spaceship. Thanks Luke. ]

I dunno what's weird about making sure you're not in pain. [ Maybe the other things are weird. Speaking of, he stands up. ] But you're right. Our way or not at all. [ That's always been Adam's way and he's not about to change that here. He makes his way over to Luke once he's done pacing, which Adam assumes is a sign that he's worn himself out. He places a hand on his shoulder, warm and heavy, that's meant to convey a lot of things that Adam can't find the words for. Then it moves to his back, pushing him gently in the direction of the bed. ]

What changed your mind? About having a better shot in Henrietta or Cambridge. Maybe it's not as dangerous as where you're from, but it's no walk in the park. [ There's a long pause when he thinks about today, like it was so long ago that he's having a hard time remembering. He just remembers Adelina readying herself for execution. The trial is a blur. ]

Is it really that surprising at this point? Refresh my memory.

[chiseler]

[It's easy for his mind to register that Adam's happy. By now, he knows Adam's natural state which is a little like Annabeth's sometimes especially when she's thinking over a problem, and Luke knows better than to think that Adam isn't always constantly thinking. Knowing that Adam's genuinely happy is pretty much his tipping point though and he's very quick to nod instead.]

No, I mean. Well yeah that's a little weird but only in the sense that risk of injury is sort of part of my life at this point but...[There's a lot. There's a lot happening and he doesn't even have time to protest before Adam's hand is on his shoulder and he's being pushed to his bed. He would protest, but honestly his bed sounds more comfortable. He's easily sliding down onto the mattress, rolling over to bury his face half in his pillow and only tilted enough that he can respond.

He doesn't respond immediately. But he's staring at Adam for a while longer.]

...did I ever tell you why I did it? ["It" of course being his alliance with Kronos. He has a lot to say, but it depends mostly on what Adam's interpretation of everything is.] I can't remember.

[antietam]

[ Adam stands by the bed as Luke rolls onto it, staring back at him curiously. He thinks he's ready to sleep soon despite it still being early in the night. If he were hurt like that, he'd take it as an excuse to sleep all day. Somehow Luke can't appreciate resting.

When a question comes, Adam breathes out something he had been holding and sits on the edge of the bed. This seems like Something. He glances at the chair that he could easily sit in and thinks about why he isn't. Then he considers the question. ]

Because you were angry. At your dad and the other gods. You weren't treated right and you were almost always on your own. [ He's sure that's a simplification but he's not going to go too deep into this when he's unsure if Luke really wants that. ]

[chiseler]

[...yeah come to think of it, why isn't he sitting at his desk instead of on the bed? It doesn't matter much to Luke who's still staring almost too intensely as he waits for an answer. When it comes though, there's a slow, almost hesitant nod.]

Not just me. A lot of unclaimed demigods came through Cabin 11, along with those whose parents don't have cabins at Camp. It wasn't fair that the gods could do whatever they want and hook up with whoever they want and then disappear. [But true.] They were selfish and self-serving and people said that the gods cared about their kids but when did they ever show it? By maybe deciding to claim them? By maybe sending them on a half-assed quest?

[It's hard. It's hard to explain and it's harder to keep the bitterness out of his tone, but he needs to say it.] My dad claimed he cared about me, but he knew about my fate from the day I was born and did nothing to help me. Something about how demigods have to walk their own paths and gods can't interfere. That's a lie. Ares interfered with my plans early on. [...Ares kicked his ass, but he won't talk about that.] Why should we have to wait around for whatever's convenient for them? That's what I wanted to change. They didn't deserve the glory and praise they were receiving. They didn't deserve to be so powerful when they weren't going to be responsible.

[A pause.] ...think about it this way, Parrish. Would you rather go back to a world where you could maybe make a gamble for something better, or would you rather go somewhere you know for a fact at least one person's going to actually care about you?

[antietam]

[ Adam laces his hands together and listens quietly. He's not really sure where this is coming from, but if Luke wants to talk, he's certainly not going to stop him. He tries to keep himself a neutral party but ultimately he ends up scowling, hands tightening around each other. It's upsetting that there's an entire camp for kids with shitty parents. Or at least one parent. Why have a kid if you weren't going to take care of them? That's always been his question. It's apparently just more rampant than he thought.

He glances over at the mention of Ares, assuming that the god of war interfering with plans probably wasn't a good thing. He lets Luke finish, though, and... there it is. The answer to his question. He hadn't been expecting it and it's a lot more than he thought it would be. He swallows, feeling enormously overwhelmed and happy that he's given Luke something. Even if it's just one person who cares about him, he knows how much that can mean to someone. ]

... oh. Makes sense. [ What else can he say to that? He thinks about the anecdote a little more and what it actually has to do with Adam caring about him. It's not a hard puzzle, mostly because Adam knows the same feeling—the idea that you're unlovable, the feeling of never being cared about. That's what Adam wanted to take Opal away from, and what he wants to take Luke away from too. He reaches over and puts a hand on his arm. ]

It's not just me. I told you that Opal and Gansey will love you. Ronan might too eventually. [ Really, he doesn't think it'll be that hard once he tells Ronan everything Luke did for him. ] I'm going to make sure you get the life that you always deserved.

[ There's a pause and he has to know: ] Did you ever feel like it was your fault? [ That his dad didn't care for him. ] Did anyone ever prove you wrong?

[chiseler]

[In a way, Luke knows he's biased. Percy had a very loving mother and a father that spoke to him on a few occasions, even helped him sometimes. Annabeth was claimed by Athena at birth and eventually went to live with her father for a while. There were other demigods who had somewhat better circumstances...and Luke was horribly, horribly jealous of a lot of them. Percy in particular. Percy who was the prize of the Olympians, and Luke knew this. Luke knew that if the Olympians would listen to anyone it would be Percy Jackson. It was the reason he had made Percy promise him his last dying wish. It was the reason Percy confused him with a mixture of jealousy and fear and other strange emotions he couldn't hash through sometimes.

So. He doesn't entirely know why he's telling Adam specifically other than he thinks Adam will understand and he knows Adam needs to hear certain words from him. He doesn't seem to mind the idle touch even if he's sliding his gaze back to Adam carefully.]

That's an incredibly big thing to dangle in front of somebody. [And yet it sounds nice all the same. The real trouble with being alive for ten more weeks and on the other side of the end of his life is that there's too much time to think. He remembers how hard his life was from the time he was a child and how no one bothered to help him. He's not sure what sort of life he deserved. He had friends. The girls had cared about him, but in a way it still left a bit of a gap.

He also isn't sure how to answer that question.] When I was really, really young maybe I felt like it might have been something I did. Like I wasn't praying hard enough or something. Later I just assumed it was his own fault despite what he said to me. Same with her. Annabeth figured out at the last minute that my mom knew I was the hero of the prophecy when I was born. Annabeth tried really, really hard to prove that things weren't my fault. [There's a wobbly grin though like he's unsure what to think.] But I tried to explain to her and Thalia both why I was doing this and how this was repayment for our families abandoning us and both of them never looked at me the same again. Annabeth called me a monster and insulted my intelligence. [That was a real bad time.]

...but nobody really proved me wrong entirely, no. [Which is true. It's knowledge Luke would never have. He would never know that his dad actually cared nor would he ever know all of the things Percy Jackson knew. Or maybe he was just too far gone to listen to reason but there's no sense in admitting that either.] In the end, the only person who saved me was myself. [...and Annabeth.]

[antietam]

[ It's entirely possible Adam isn't in the place to promise anything to Luke. Not just because of being stuck on a murder spaceship, but also because Adam's life is still a bit unwieldy. He has everything he wants now, but he still has to make it through college, still has to make a life for himself. And he's also going to give Luke a new life too? He wouldn't think it was possible if he didn't have friends at home, friends who are much more heroic than himself.

So no, he's not dangling it in front of Luke. He's thought about it like he thought about it with Opal. The other option is leaving him, which isn't an option at all. ] You'll have it. [ He doesn't add on 'I promise' or anything because he's already certain of it. All they have to do is make it through this and find a way back. Admittedly, a big task.

There's another difference between him and Luke. Adam always thought it was his own fault until recently, but Luke blamed his dad. It's what Adam should have always done. But, as always with Luke, things got worse. He frowns in particular at the idea of Annabeth calling him a monster. His grip tightens just slightly on Luke's arm, protective. ]

It's not you. [ So he can't speak for Luke's dad or do anything that might actually help Luke's issues, but he's going to say it because he always wanted someone to say it to him. ] It's his fault for not caring. You're not unlovable. I'm proof of that.

[chiseler]

[There's a short huff, but it sounds more like tired defeat than disbelief. Adam almost says it in a way Luke believes it without question. Not-questioning left him at the mercy of being someone else's pawn. Questioning left him at the mercy of being someone's tool. It's a delicate balance, he thinks. But he wants to believe Adam's correct and so he says nothing.

The tightened grip doesn't go unnoticed, but like most things like this he doesn't draw attention to it. Adam is, again, the only one who can get away with this. He mulls on the words quietly, unsure of how to proceed immediately. He blatantly remembers lying bloodied on the throne room floor and asking Annabeth if she loved him. He wasn't really sure what kind of love he'd been inquiring about, though her answer wasn't entirely unexpected either. He had screwed up. He knows that.]

You tryin' to confess something to me here? [It's a very ill-timed joke, he knows, but the way his tone shifts is enough indication that despite the fact he's trying to tease him those words do have the necessary impact. It's something he hadn't thought much on since the day before when so many people had expressed their displeasure with his date with the proximity mine. Had he really somehow fooled all of these people into caring about him on some level? How? Perhaps he should be shamed of admitting these things to an eighteen year old but Adam's become an expert on keeping him at ease.

Of course, his brain kicks in helpfully. 'Adam Parrish was abused and unloved by his parents.' Of course Adam understands what to say.] Wanna know something else? You're also proof that things can get better. [Not just for himself, but for Adam himself.]

[antietam]

[ Adam has to stare blankly at him for a few long moments before he realizes that Luke is just making fun of him. It's definitely not the time for it, which is why he was so confused, but he's also used to Ronan's deflection whenever they talk about anything too personal. It's a sign of being affected, and he lets himself think maybe Luke benefited a little from hearing it. That's why he doesn't back down from it, and he wouldn't regret saying it even if Luke didn't care to hear it. He's been regretting that he never told Ronan and Opal that he loved them ever since he came here.

Still, he's not expecting something in return. He pulls his arm back in surprise, but he lingers there on the bed, staring at a spot near Luke like he's trying to come up with something to say. It means a lot to him in whatever way he meant it. That Adam has made things better for himself, that he's made things better for Luke. Both are pretty big. Changing someone else's life and his own. A light smile appears on his face to show he's pleased with it, but then he stands up quickly. ]

Aren't you tired? I didn't mean to keep you up. It... was a good talk, though. [ Which is to say that he's not pretending it didn't happen or that he didn't mean it. It's a very real conversation that became a little too much. He's not an expert at feelings things. ] Thanks.

[chiseler]

[Sorry your friend has a hard time accepting very personal things and is, in fact, sometimes a jackass. It's fine though, he thinks. He can give Adam an amused little grin to try and buffer against the overwhelming impact of the conversation he wasn't even sure he was supposed to have in the first place.

That's what this is, really. Overwhelming. Adam's made things better. Adam gets it. Luke's fate can be fixed now that he's lived through his first life. Things aren't entirely hopeless. And he recognizes that similar deflection and he rolls his eyes.]

I'm not that tired. [Which is all said even as his eyes are closing on their own.] And I'm the one who kept us up, don't worry about it. Thanks for...yeah. [Apparently whatever spell had been going on here broke because now they're back to being a little uncertain and normal. That suits him fine.] Just turn out the lights whenever you go to bed.