So cradle your head in your hands and breathe [Post-trial Week 9]

[chiseler]

[He hated it. He hated the idea of making Adam wait, hated the idea of not being able to go back to his own room and just stop everything, but he was approached before he could even leave the trial room and had to figure out a way to slip past Adam for a little while. He'd at least had the foresight to let Adam into his room and promised he'd be quick, he had to just decompress for a bit, did his best not to feel bad he skirted the truth and failed anyway.

It's about an hour and a half after the trial when he comes back, unlocking the door and slowly lumbering his way up the ladder to his room. It's become something comfortable knowing that someone was waiting for him. On the other hand, he's a little worried anyway.]

...you still awake? [It's still pretty damn early, he'd be surprised if Adam was asleep.]

Comments

[antietam]

[ He ends up continuing to smile without realizing it, which isn't normal at all. His natural state is pensive, a crease between his eyes and a frown. Smiling is always full of intent for him, a calculated sort of thing like his politeness—to show that he isn't a threat. But here it's easy and natural, and he really, truly feels happy. On a murderous spaceship. Thanks Luke. ]

I dunno what's weird about making sure you're not in pain. [ Maybe the other things are weird. Speaking of, he stands up. ] But you're right. Our way or not at all. [ That's always been Adam's way and he's not about to change that here. He makes his way over to Luke once he's done pacing, which Adam assumes is a sign that he's worn himself out. He places a hand on his shoulder, warm and heavy, that's meant to convey a lot of things that Adam can't find the words for. Then it moves to his back, pushing him gently in the direction of the bed. ]

What changed your mind? About having a better shot in Henrietta or Cambridge. Maybe it's not as dangerous as where you're from, but it's no walk in the park. [ There's a long pause when he thinks about today, like it was so long ago that he's having a hard time remembering. He just remembers Adelina readying herself for execution. The trial is a blur. ]

Is it really that surprising at this point? Refresh my memory.

[chiseler]

[It's easy for his mind to register that Adam's happy. By now, he knows Adam's natural state which is a little like Annabeth's sometimes especially when she's thinking over a problem, and Luke knows better than to think that Adam isn't always constantly thinking. Knowing that Adam's genuinely happy is pretty much his tipping point though and he's very quick to nod instead.]

No, I mean. Well yeah that's a little weird but only in the sense that risk of injury is sort of part of my life at this point but...[There's a lot. There's a lot happening and he doesn't even have time to protest before Adam's hand is on his shoulder and he's being pushed to his bed. He would protest, but honestly his bed sounds more comfortable. He's easily sliding down onto the mattress, rolling over to bury his face half in his pillow and only tilted enough that he can respond.

He doesn't respond immediately. But he's staring at Adam for a while longer.]

...did I ever tell you why I did it? ["It" of course being his alliance with Kronos. He has a lot to say, but it depends mostly on what Adam's interpretation of everything is.] I can't remember.

[antietam]

[ Adam stands by the bed as Luke rolls onto it, staring back at him curiously. He thinks he's ready to sleep soon despite it still being early in the night. If he were hurt like that, he'd take it as an excuse to sleep all day. Somehow Luke can't appreciate resting.

When a question comes, Adam breathes out something he had been holding and sits on the edge of the bed. This seems like Something. He glances at the chair that he could easily sit in and thinks about why he isn't. Then he considers the question. ]

Because you were angry. At your dad and the other gods. You weren't treated right and you were almost always on your own. [ He's sure that's a simplification but he's not going to go too deep into this when he's unsure if Luke really wants that. ]

[chiseler]

[...yeah come to think of it, why isn't he sitting at his desk instead of on the bed? It doesn't matter much to Luke who's still staring almost too intensely as he waits for an answer. When it comes though, there's a slow, almost hesitant nod.]

Not just me. A lot of unclaimed demigods came through Cabin 11, along with those whose parents don't have cabins at Camp. It wasn't fair that the gods could do whatever they want and hook up with whoever they want and then disappear. [But true.] They were selfish and self-serving and people said that the gods cared about their kids but when did they ever show it? By maybe deciding to claim them? By maybe sending them on a half-assed quest?

[It's hard. It's hard to explain and it's harder to keep the bitterness out of his tone, but he needs to say it.] My dad claimed he cared about me, but he knew about my fate from the day I was born and did nothing to help me. Something about how demigods have to walk their own paths and gods can't interfere. That's a lie. Ares interfered with my plans early on. [...Ares kicked his ass, but he won't talk about that.] Why should we have to wait around for whatever's convenient for them? That's what I wanted to change. They didn't deserve the glory and praise they were receiving. They didn't deserve to be so powerful when they weren't going to be responsible.

[A pause.] ...think about it this way, Parrish. Would you rather go back to a world where you could maybe make a gamble for something better, or would you rather go somewhere you know for a fact at least one person's going to actually care about you?

[antietam]

[ Adam laces his hands together and listens quietly. He's not really sure where this is coming from, but if Luke wants to talk, he's certainly not going to stop him. He tries to keep himself a neutral party but ultimately he ends up scowling, hands tightening around each other. It's upsetting that there's an entire camp for kids with shitty parents. Or at least one parent. Why have a kid if you weren't going to take care of them? That's always been his question. It's apparently just more rampant than he thought.

He glances over at the mention of Ares, assuming that the god of war interfering with plans probably wasn't a good thing. He lets Luke finish, though, and... there it is. The answer to his question. He hadn't been expecting it and it's a lot more than he thought it would be. He swallows, feeling enormously overwhelmed and happy that he's given Luke something. Even if it's just one person who cares about him, he knows how much that can mean to someone. ]

... oh. Makes sense. [ What else can he say to that? He thinks about the anecdote a little more and what it actually has to do with Adam caring about him. It's not a hard puzzle, mostly because Adam knows the same feeling—the idea that you're unlovable, the feeling of never being cared about. That's what Adam wanted to take Opal away from, and what he wants to take Luke away from too. He reaches over and puts a hand on his arm. ]

It's not just me. I told you that Opal and Gansey will love you. Ronan might too eventually. [ Really, he doesn't think it'll be that hard once he tells Ronan everything Luke did for him. ] I'm going to make sure you get the life that you always deserved.

[ There's a pause and he has to know: ] Did you ever feel like it was your fault? [ That his dad didn't care for him. ] Did anyone ever prove you wrong?

[chiseler]

[In a way, Luke knows he's biased. Percy had a very loving mother and a father that spoke to him on a few occasions, even helped him sometimes. Annabeth was claimed by Athena at birth and eventually went to live with her father for a while. There were other demigods who had somewhat better circumstances...and Luke was horribly, horribly jealous of a lot of them. Percy in particular. Percy who was the prize of the Olympians, and Luke knew this. Luke knew that if the Olympians would listen to anyone it would be Percy Jackson. It was the reason he had made Percy promise him his last dying wish. It was the reason Percy confused him with a mixture of jealousy and fear and other strange emotions he couldn't hash through sometimes.

So. He doesn't entirely know why he's telling Adam specifically other than he thinks Adam will understand and he knows Adam needs to hear certain words from him. He doesn't seem to mind the idle touch even if he's sliding his gaze back to Adam carefully.]

That's an incredibly big thing to dangle in front of somebody. [And yet it sounds nice all the same. The real trouble with being alive for ten more weeks and on the other side of the end of his life is that there's too much time to think. He remembers how hard his life was from the time he was a child and how no one bothered to help him. He's not sure what sort of life he deserved. He had friends. The girls had cared about him, but in a way it still left a bit of a gap.

He also isn't sure how to answer that question.] When I was really, really young maybe I felt like it might have been something I did. Like I wasn't praying hard enough or something. Later I just assumed it was his own fault despite what he said to me. Same with her. Annabeth figured out at the last minute that my mom knew I was the hero of the prophecy when I was born. Annabeth tried really, really hard to prove that things weren't my fault. [There's a wobbly grin though like he's unsure what to think.] But I tried to explain to her and Thalia both why I was doing this and how this was repayment for our families abandoning us and both of them never looked at me the same again. Annabeth called me a monster and insulted my intelligence. [That was a real bad time.]

...but nobody really proved me wrong entirely, no. [Which is true. It's knowledge Luke would never have. He would never know that his dad actually cared nor would he ever know all of the things Percy Jackson knew. Or maybe he was just too far gone to listen to reason but there's no sense in admitting that either.] In the end, the only person who saved me was myself. [...and Annabeth.]

[antietam]

[ It's entirely possible Adam isn't in the place to promise anything to Luke. Not just because of being stuck on a murder spaceship, but also because Adam's life is still a bit unwieldy. He has everything he wants now, but he still has to make it through college, still has to make a life for himself. And he's also going to give Luke a new life too? He wouldn't think it was possible if he didn't have friends at home, friends who are much more heroic than himself.

So no, he's not dangling it in front of Luke. He's thought about it like he thought about it with Opal. The other option is leaving him, which isn't an option at all. ] You'll have it. [ He doesn't add on 'I promise' or anything because he's already certain of it. All they have to do is make it through this and find a way back. Admittedly, a big task.

There's another difference between him and Luke. Adam always thought it was his own fault until recently, but Luke blamed his dad. It's what Adam should have always done. But, as always with Luke, things got worse. He frowns in particular at the idea of Annabeth calling him a monster. His grip tightens just slightly on Luke's arm, protective. ]

It's not you. [ So he can't speak for Luke's dad or do anything that might actually help Luke's issues, but he's going to say it because he always wanted someone to say it to him. ] It's his fault for not caring. You're not unlovable. I'm proof of that.

[chiseler]

[There's a short huff, but it sounds more like tired defeat than disbelief. Adam almost says it in a way Luke believes it without question. Not-questioning left him at the mercy of being someone else's pawn. Questioning left him at the mercy of being someone's tool. It's a delicate balance, he thinks. But he wants to believe Adam's correct and so he says nothing.

The tightened grip doesn't go unnoticed, but like most things like this he doesn't draw attention to it. Adam is, again, the only one who can get away with this. He mulls on the words quietly, unsure of how to proceed immediately. He blatantly remembers lying bloodied on the throne room floor and asking Annabeth if she loved him. He wasn't really sure what kind of love he'd been inquiring about, though her answer wasn't entirely unexpected either. He had screwed up. He knows that.]

You tryin' to confess something to me here? [It's a very ill-timed joke, he knows, but the way his tone shifts is enough indication that despite the fact he's trying to tease him those words do have the necessary impact. It's something he hadn't thought much on since the day before when so many people had expressed their displeasure with his date with the proximity mine. Had he really somehow fooled all of these people into caring about him on some level? How? Perhaps he should be shamed of admitting these things to an eighteen year old but Adam's become an expert on keeping him at ease.

Of course, his brain kicks in helpfully. 'Adam Parrish was abused and unloved by his parents.' Of course Adam understands what to say.] Wanna know something else? You're also proof that things can get better. [Not just for himself, but for Adam himself.]

[antietam]

[ Adam has to stare blankly at him for a few long moments before he realizes that Luke is just making fun of him. It's definitely not the time for it, which is why he was so confused, but he's also used to Ronan's deflection whenever they talk about anything too personal. It's a sign of being affected, and he lets himself think maybe Luke benefited a little from hearing it. That's why he doesn't back down from it, and he wouldn't regret saying it even if Luke didn't care to hear it. He's been regretting that he never told Ronan and Opal that he loved them ever since he came here.

Still, he's not expecting something in return. He pulls his arm back in surprise, but he lingers there on the bed, staring at a spot near Luke like he's trying to come up with something to say. It means a lot to him in whatever way he meant it. That Adam has made things better for himself, that he's made things better for Luke. Both are pretty big. Changing someone else's life and his own. A light smile appears on his face to show he's pleased with it, but then he stands up quickly. ]

Aren't you tired? I didn't mean to keep you up. It... was a good talk, though. [ Which is to say that he's not pretending it didn't happen or that he didn't mean it. It's a very real conversation that became a little too much. He's not an expert at feelings things. ] Thanks.

[chiseler]

[Sorry your friend has a hard time accepting very personal things and is, in fact, sometimes a jackass. It's fine though, he thinks. He can give Adam an amused little grin to try and buffer against the overwhelming impact of the conversation he wasn't even sure he was supposed to have in the first place.

That's what this is, really. Overwhelming. Adam's made things better. Adam gets it. Luke's fate can be fixed now that he's lived through his first life. Things aren't entirely hopeless. And he recognizes that similar deflection and he rolls his eyes.]

I'm not that tired. [Which is all said even as his eyes are closing on their own.] And I'm the one who kept us up, don't worry about it. Thanks for...yeah. [Apparently whatever spell had been going on here broke because now they're back to being a little uncertain and normal. That suits him fine.] Just turn out the lights whenever you go to bed.