chiseler | I'm trapped in these negative vibes, I can't seem to find the outside [Monday, Week 8]

Entry tags:

!the cradle project

I'm trapped in these negative vibes, I can't seem to find the outside [Monday, Week 8]

[In all honesty Luke heard the announcement from Alice at 9am, realized he wasn't on the valued list or the vulnerable list and probably went back to bed. The robots only kick people out after twelve hours and he had a good three hours left. Surprisingly, he was pretty mentally exhausted still from the course of the week and the weekend's trial. He'd thought about Shelley's motivation to kill Fumi and it's still fairly sad to think about, considering he never thought Shelley would.

Granted, maybe this is why he was asked by someone to be the one to organize them and keep people focused. It's something he'd initially laughed off, afraid of the responsibility...but now he's realizing the numbers are dwindling as are the numbers of adults. Maybe he needs to act like an adult. But that can come after another couple of hours of sleep.

He leaves his room at exactly 11:59am before a robot can collect him, a smug smirk on his face as he lets the door slide closed behind him. That doesn't last though before Alice's voice chimes over the ship with this week's motive.

Well-kept secrets. What kind of secrets could she know and have access to? He doesn't have to wonder for long before he looks at his datapad and sees...

...ah. Well. That's lovely. He shakes his head firmly and sets his jaw, immediately trying to think of where to find Adam. Adam's become the person he looks to in terms of motives but knowing Adam as well as he knows Adam now, he has to wonder how he's going to handle this motive. They're both people with plenty of secrets. It could be a dangerous combination.

He glances over up and down the hallway of their catacombs to ensure he's alone before quickly dashing down the hall to Adam's room. Another quick look over his shoulder confirms he's not being watched and he raises a hand, concentrating for a moment to unlock the boy's door and allow himself into his room. Please be here, Adam.]

Adam? [He's not even waiting for an answer, he's parkouring up the ladder to the main room. Even if he's not here, maybe Luke will get a sense of where he might have gone.]

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[ Adam doesn't think anything of Luke coming closer. It never crossed his mind for a moment to take advantage of this trust between them. No, Luke is his friend. He's seen someone horrible enough to kill a friend for power. It's nicer to have Luke here because it's calming him. He's remembering what he told him last week, about how likely he'd fail. Even for this secret, he doesn't want to die. He has so much to do.

He can tell that Luke is somewhat upset and the way he's keeping his datapad tells him it's not about the thought of murder. He's glad he didn't get a video, but it's also awful that Luke did. The question is an interesting one. He thinks for a second and then slowly shakes his head. ] No, I think... a good amount of people know. [ The frequency with which he was either absent or coming into school with bruises, yeah, he can't imagine people didn't put the pieces together. ] Gansey and Ronan and Blue... they all know. But it's kind of close quarters here.

[ He bites his lip, then sighs. He's being ridiculous. For Luke, a certain secret might be life or death. For Adam, it's just upsetting. ] How bad would it be for you? If people here knew.

[Eventually the datapad gets shoved under his leg so he doesn't have to deal with it and he leans back on his hands. Adam has a lot to live for. There's college and his friends and Ronan (who he's finally figured out that yes, Adam's probably dating him) and his kid (who Luke still has a lot of questions about because what???) and doing his best to be more successful and transcend work he's put into living. Luke's time to live has already come and gone. It's important now to try and be better and keep people grounded.]

So it's...what, discriminating on a personal level instead of like a moral level? [Something about Adam's life versus, say, if he'd killed a man back home. He thinks Adam will understand without the elaboration.] That's the problem with twenty-three of us being shoved into a tin can floating maybe in space with no escape. [He shakes his head, once again rolling right over the subject.] Like I said, it's really only as bad as you let people believe. Anybody saw what I saw, maybe I could pass it off as a couple of fancy special effects from a movie. Yuno once asked me if I was a celebrity back home. [A light smirk. Yuno's amusing to him, really.] I could easily pretend that my secret is that I'm famous for a completely different reason than the truth.

So...guess it comes down to how likely people would believe it if they saw what you saw. Besides, let's pretend the worst case scenario is that somebody actually does snap this week again. Alice usually calls off the motives after at least one person kills somebody. I don't like those odds because we shouldn't be doing this after eight weeks...but it might be what saves everybody else's secrets.

Yeah. I wouldn't get in trouble—I mean, it's already been to court, so... The people here would see me differently. [ He scratches at his head, not sure about what to tell Luke. He wouldn't tell anyone, but... Luke seems to understand. Luke hasn't pitied him.

He does genuinely want to hear what Luke has in mind. It's surprising enough that Adam manages a small smile for a moment. ] That's smart. I'd back you up. [ Still, he doesn't think anyone would believe that. But it's a good excuse.

He frowns when he realizes there's no way to pretend his secret it something else. It's pretty clear and simple. ] We haven't had something like this one, though. Where there's a reveal. Maybe if they succeed, but if they don't... She already has the secrets apparently, why not reveal them? I'm not cocky enough to think I could manage a perfect murder. Shelley's was really good, but even then... [ He crosses his legs in his chair and rubs at his forehead. ] Just tell me I shouldn't. Tell me I'm stupid. [ Because he trusts Luke enough that it would work. ]

You shouldn't and you're being stupid. [It's close enough anyway. As much as he'd like to humor him, he could never tell Adam he was stupid. The kid's too smart for his own good and if he thinks about it for too long it sort of reminds him of how he feels about Annabeth. He doesn't want to think about that though.

He can't help but allow his eyes to widen a little at the phrase "it's already been to court." What the hell did that mean? So many things are already racing through his head about what Adam's told him, about Welsh kings and dreams and demons and Cabeswater, people he knows, things he's done...ways he's reacted to pieces Luke's shared with him. There's an answer. There's an almost obvious answer that pops up any time Luke thinks of the way that Adam responds when he talks about his parents, but it's an answer he doesn't dare dive into yet.]

Remember what you told me about how I probably wouldn't be good enough to pull it off? [It's not quite that, but close enough.] You just said you couldn't manage a perfect murder and then...all of this would be for nothing. Aren't you the one who told me you have to get back to people? You're the one who told me you couldn't bring back anything because of your kid and because you couldn't make Ronan deal with it again. I don't think not coming back at all is a solution either.

[He pauses for a moment. Without a doubt, he already knows he'd wordlessly defend him no matter what came up and if people looked at him differently...well, Luke would fix that, too.

"You know how bad it was to come back to Camp and have everybody stare at me like I was already on my death bed?" "Yes."

...is it pity Adam's worried about? He looks at the ceiling to consider that before he attempts to catch his eye again.]

She's making it up, all right? She's not going to reveal what she knows and if she does...we'll take care of it. What makes you so positive people would really see you differently?

[ Adam nods like it really did help him. And it did. He doesn't trust himself enough to decide something like this. He already knows he's not innocent, that he has blood on his hands, but then he thinks about the way Gansey and Ronan would look at him if he ever told them what he did here to make it back to them. ]

Didn't say you wouldn't be good enough. [ A weak argument because he's listening. He closes his eyes and nods again. He wants to get back to make something of himself, but he also can't really imagine Ronan and Opal without him. Ronan definitely went crazy as soon as he disappeared, but being gone forever is something totally different.

He opens his eyes when Luke tries to use the same argument as he did last week. He realizes how stupid it is now. How can he pretend something won't happen when it obviously will? He kind of wants to apologize. ] Because they saw me differently back home too. Even my friends. They couldn't understand it. I thought I'd moved past it, but... [ He shakes his head. ] What do you mean we'll take care of it?

[The good thing about this partnership is that no matter how bad of a person Adam thinks he might be (or at least not innocent), Luke will top that ten-fold. While the idea of having to explain everything is nerve-wracking...trying to be clear and trying to make sure Adam doesn't make the same mistakes he would make seems more important.

There's a small smirk but it goes nowhere. He could make a joke about Adam fueling his ego but it doesn't seem right. When Adam looks at him again he's oddly serious for once and maybe he finally looks his age instead of a reckless teenager. It's an expression from someone who's seen too much and has a lot on his mind and the answer from Adam isn't one he's happy with.]

It means we'll take care of it. [A shrug. Really, it means "I'll take care of it" and though he's not elaborating he's nodding along.] You wanna know something I learned? The best way to get the attention off of you is to give people something else to look at. If all of these secrets really are shared...we'll just make people look in another direction. [His fingers are flexing and curling from his palm repeatedly like he wants to grab the datapad and watch that video again, or like he wants to pry open Adam's head to see all of his thoughts on the matter. Instead they sort of scrape against the floor.] What happened after Gansey Ronan and Blue found out? What did they do?

[ Adam has no idea what that means. He imagines something like Luke setting himself on fire and it gets a weird look from him, like he kind of wants to smile but he won't because the joke isn't shared. If he thinks more about it, he gets a little worried about what Luke might have in mind, but he's not thinking that far ahead yet. He has to get past Friday and maybe things won't be as bad as he thought. ]

Gansey... tried to get me to come live with him. I said no. Ronan offered to teach me how to fight. I said no. [ His frown is particularly deep at these memories. He hates how much they never understood him. They never tried. ] I don't know. Blue gave me weird looks. It's the weird looks I don't want. [ He knows Luke will understand here, so he catches his eye. ] Remember going back to Camp? It'd be like that. I'd be... stuck as a person I tried so hard to leave behind.

[The trouble is that he probably won't even tell him. When Luke makes plans, really makes plans and commits to them, he acts alone. In a case like a murder, he'd tell Adam because he trusts him and that was the deal they'd made. Nobody ever said anything about other things like this. He can hope the awful hope that someone else dies, someone else gets the blame...but the vulnerables list unsettles him. Adrien and Marinette are just kids...Dorian is one who makes sense during the heat of trials, and he likes Judar enough that death doesn't make sense yet. That would leave Minako and Arumat, and while he doesn't care much about Minako, he's more worried of what Arumat would do to somebody than Arumat himself.

Just little things to think of when he's alone, really. Adam's explanations are enough to confirm what Luke had initially come to the conclusion of on his own. It was something to do with his family, something that made his environment unsafe and he immediately hates it. But he also knows Adam's proud and would probably react negatively if Luke said anything, so the conversation remains on track.]

By accepting help from other people, it means losing any leverage you had in accomplishments you made. Yeah. I get it. [It's not the same, but...] Doesn't matter if I'm the best swordsman Camp Half-Blood's seen in 300 years. People still treated me like I was something fragile when I came back. You make an achievement and then...what? That's it, it's over. Enjoy the rest of your life. How can you accomplish more when you don't find it yourself?

[Maybe he's projecting a tiny bit, but he can understand enough.] Let me ask you something then. Taking him to court. That was your idea? [He's assuming it's his father solely based on cues he's picked up.]

[ Adam actually looks surprised when Luke immediately understands. No one has ever understood. They've always told him he was too proud, too stubborn, too stupid to get out. Maybe. He can accept that he had been too proud once, but there was so much more to it than that. When Luke sees that immediately, he breathes a sigh of relief, all he can do to keep from hugging him or something. That's definitely too much. ]

It had to be something I did. Going somewhere that was mine. I— [ It's kind of emotional for him because he's never met someone who got him. He breaks off and shakes his head, then looks away when it seems like Luke really knows what he's talking about. ] Not... entirely. [ He pauses as he thinks about how to tell it. ] Ronan saw once. He came back and they fought. It was bad. Mom called the cops. They were going to arrest Ronan and if they did that, he'd be kicked out of school.

So I pressed charges. [ He takes in a breath. ] So, yeah, I did all of that. And I testified. It was me. [ He needs to say that. It was him. It wasn't Ronan who saved him, he saved himself. ]

[When he looks at Adam and thinks about the things he's being told and his brain's being forced to process, he thinks back to when he was almost the same age and the world made very little sense. When the world was one day bleeding into the next of Luke biding his time and having nothing to show for it, accolades collected that meant nothing when the biggest thing he had to show was clearly on his face for the rest of his life. When Kronos had come to him and promised him a quest so big that Luke knew better than to tell very many people and even then he operated mostly alone under the titan lord.

Adam Parrish is much smarter than Luke would ever be in this case because at least Adam had plans to move forward. Luke's plans were nearly impossible, teamed with a young boy trying to tell him he was brainwashed and breaking the heart of two girls he loved more than the world itself once. He'd asked for help once and was turned away. Never again. So on some base level yeah he understands and he watches Adam curiously. His face doesn't really betray what he's thinking but he slowly nods. He can be patient, at least.]

You tryin' to convince me, or yourself? [He raises an eyebrow.] Pretty good thing of you to do to save somebody you care about. [Whether he means Ronan or Adam himself he's not saying. There's a short sigh though.] I've been back for about two months now, or at least back and conscious of what I'm doing. When I think about it, I think making the decision to bail yourself out is probably one of the hardest ones you have to make. Mostly because you never know how it's gonna end up. Everything you just told me? All the more reason this isn't worth the kill. You try to murder somebody now and fail and get yourself killed, what would be the point of accomplishing all of that and being better than your dad?

[ Adam doesn't answer because it's pretty obvious who he's trying to convince. It's hard still. He's come a long way from thinking he deserved it, from thinking he was destined to be a monster because of where he came from. But he can see the progress and Luke is telling him that he can also see it.

As independent as he is, sometimes it's nice to get some affirmation in his life. That he's getting better and not falling back into old ways. He might have here if not for Luke. ] You're right. I've worked so hard, I can't— [ He swallows and looks at Luke. He smiles softly at him in thanks. He's so ridiculously grateful. Maybe he shouldn't be so reliant on this one person, but that's kind of a summary of all his friendships. ]

I want to get back to be a better dad for Opal. My—well, she's not really mine. But Ronan and I take care of her, so... you know about that sort of responsibility.

[Hurray for not fucking up. Hurray for actually saying the right things and getting through to somebody. Maybe this is what he was supposed to do. It's hard to remember that not all people are bound by fate or set to face their own demise sooner or later. Adam no longer being panicked and actually smiling is enough for his shoulders to relax and the datapad under his leg remains forgotten. Luckily, he won't make it into a big deal. (He'll probably just tease him about that look later when the atmosphere isn't so heavy still.)]

You can't. And you won't. [That's all he says in agreement even if his thoughts are already drifting. He knows all about what it's like to take care of someone when you're still young yourself, but that doesn't clear up everything.] You told me that Ronan dreamed up a person once when you were still connected to the leyline. That was her?

Yeah. It was an accident. [ He looks at the crumpled piece of paper on his desk and slowly begins to smooth it out. His datapad keeps catching his eye but he can ignore it for now. This hasn't taken away the fear of what people will think, but that's not something Luke can fix. He's done all he can right now and Adam won't make him do more. Even if he's still curious about what Luke saw, but that can wait. He really does want to talk about Opal. He misses her. ]

There was a big ordeal about putting her back in the forest, but... when she got there, she looked scared. [ He sighs, remembering it. Mostly, he recognized the fear on her face as being too similar to his own. ] So I made Ronan go back for her. Gansey wasn't really—that happy with it. She's kind of... you've talked about satyrs before, right? Kind of like that. And she likes to eat wood and metal, but... [ Shrugs. He loves her. ]

[Opal seems like a much safer topic and he's half-tempted to take Adam's datapad so they can both ignore them for a little bit. Talk about something happier. Think less about how they're going to drive themselves crazy this week, but at least he's confident that so long as they stick together they won't cave into this one. (He hopes.)

Instead he actually looks interested to hear about Opal and he can't help but smile slightly. Kids are weird, he already knows that. He raised Annabeth from the time she was 7 until his death. That was still nearly 10 years. You wind up loving people like that no matter how bizarre they are.]

There's a difference between being a satyr and kind of being a satyr. [He grins.] They're not bad. Grover was one of the bravest people I've ever known and he was only a satyr. What was going on in Cabeswater that she was afraid of?

[ He remembers mentions of Grover, particularly that he was tasked with bringing the group of demigods to the Camp. That does sound particularly brave, mostly because of the feral youths and less so because of the monsters. ]

Ronan's head is a scary place. [ He's still fond when he talks about it though. This is his Family. ] He... I guess has nightmares that typically want to kill him. Sometimes he'll bring them out with him. But mostly they stay in his head, where Opal always was. Not to mention, she came out around the time that the demon was starting to infiltrate. She didn't want to be there and I couldn't just leave her. So we didn't really have much of a choice but to raise her.

[ There's a pause as he tries to remember something. ] I don't think I mentioned that Ronan dreamed up Cabeswater too.

[He's careful in his listening because he knows that while Adam doesn't mind talking about his friends, he doesn't do it often. Also, truthfully, the dream thing really perplexed him. Nightmares are a reality to him but he knows it's nothing compared to someone who can literally be killed by his own dreams. He has to wonder to himself how Ronan's not completely insane, but he knows better than to ask.]

That probably should have been one of the first things you mentioned. [So no. That's news.] I'd ask "why" but I'm not even sure Ronan would know why if you asked. How long ago did he dream this up? And how long was Opal actually in there before you brought her out to live with you?

[ He shrugs slowly about mentioning that Ronan dreamed Cabeswater. Maybe he should have but it's also still a little weird to him. ]

When he was a kid. And same for Opal. He used to call her Orphan Girl and I think she used to protect him from the nightmares. They're both really similar, so she's probably a version of him. Blue once said she's his inner child. [ That makes him laugh and he shakes his head, grinning at Luke. This is much better to talk about. ]

Is this weirder than adopting a brain child?

[A happy Adam is much, much better than a worried one and so he's more than willing to indulge him in this conversation. He has thoughts and he's a little in awe of the idea of Ronan and Opal and how Adam tangled up in this and he snorts in amusement at the idea of a little satyr girl being Ronan's inner child. He's seen a picture of Ronan. It's a weird thing to picture.]

Hey, if I dreamed up a scary forest full of magic and nightmares I'd probably dream up something as gentle as a satyr, too. Not that all satyrs are like that, but generally. [The question about Annabeth causes him to dip his head…but there's a fond smile.]

Considering Annabeth didn't come from my brain, yeah. It's still weirder. [A grin.] But it's the same thing…I'd have to be a huge jerk to leave her alone when she was clearly afraid and hunted by monsters. She's a good kid. […there's a pause.] We're not really her parents, but sometimes I'd look at her and see parts of me and parts of Thalia in her personality, but she's better than that, too. [He looks up, mischievous look present for a moment.] She'd probably run circles around you, but you two could probably get along.

She's not that gentle. [ There's still a smile on his face. She's gentle with Adam, at least. ] Like I said, she's a lot like Ronan.

[ He's not entirely sure if it's weirder to adopt a child from someone else's brain but whatever. He raises his eyebrows when Luke makes it clear that he sees Thalia as the other parent role. Of course, he's distracted by that challenge. ] You think so? Not being gifted with brains from the gods has to count for something. [ A chuckle. ] I'd like to meet her, anyway. Being raised by you has to have some interesting results.

Trust me, a satyr is way more gentle than, say, a hellhound. She could be the most brutal satyr ever and I'd probably think she's gentle. [Also shut up, Parrish, he can absolutely see that smile.] At least you know how to handle her since you've already got Ronan.

[He's ignoring those eyebrows, thank you. We don't talk about his weird family he created for himself.] You could probably fix a car better than she could. Does that count? Annabeth's very smart but Annabeth's also really headstrong. Sometimes she's not that patient. [Just like her not-dad.] I don't know if I can take all the credit in how she grew up. When we got to Camp Chiron was watching us year-rounders, too. [But it's his turn to raise eyebrows, though he's still joking around mostly.] You don't think I know how to raise a kid?

Who says I know how to handle Ronan? [ He can be difficult too. Mostly he wants to see if he's really that obvious about Ronan, even after talking about how they raise a child together. ]

That counts. I'll take it. [ He's sure Annabeth has her own specific interests that she'd destroy him in. Particularly fighting. ] Not that patient, huh. Is that because you spoiled her? As much as you could. [ Luke seems like the type to spoil a kid. ]

Actually, you might make a good babysitter for Opal. Gansey can't handle her at all. I'd trust you with her more than him.

If you've been spending a lot of time with the guy and you're both raising a satyr-daughter, I'd say you probably know how to handle Ronan. [Just a thought.]

And who says I spoiled her at all? [Other than the sheepish grin that follows. Annabeth was his sole priority for a while until everything went to hell.] Annabeth's just bratty sometimes. No idea where she got that from.

[He can't help but snort though.] Somehow I get the feeling Gansey's idea of babysitting involves plopping a kid down somewhere while he obsesses over something completely unrelated and makes minimal conversation. Am I close?

[ He shrugs noncommittally. It's embarrassing to talk about Ronan in this context even after telling Luke a bunch of his life story. It's a lot easier to just give Luke a teasing smile as he talks about Annabeth. ] Yeah, couldn't tell you. You don't have a bratty bone in your body.

[ Adam thinks about Gansey taking care of Opal and rolls his eyes. ] That or way too much conversation. Definitely plopping her down, probably reading to her from some old history book, not letting her run around. He's from one of those families where kids are supposed to be picture perfect. His mom's a politician.

But what about you? How would you take care of a little satyr girl who's going to eat half the house if you don't watch her closely?

[It's still funny. Regardless he actually laughs before he finally slides all the way to lay on his back on the floor to stare up at the ceiling of Adam's room.]

Well that explains everything. You know that some of the world's most famous politicians have been demigods, too? Athena's kids. Sometimes I think Annabeth's the odd one out of her siblings but when you put her in front of a project...[It's pretty scary.]

If that's a real question, obviously I'd take care of a satyr girl the same way I'd take care of my own kid or some of the kids at Camp. Keep her active and keep her outside. As a counselor I oversaw a lot of stuff at Camp but I also taught some lessons and made sure nobody actually got too brutally injured. You'd think I'd be sick of being outside after living outside for five years, but it's better than being in a house and unhappy.

Really? [ But it's a deadpan sort of question like he's not too sure he believes that. Surely someone would notice a demigod in power. He's only met one, to be fair, but they seem significantly different from most people. ] She's still young, isn't she? I'm sure she'll go places. Being a politician isn't all that luxurious.

[ Apparently he was right, Luke would be a good babysitter. He wonders if Opal would like him. ] She likes being outside best. Mostly she pretends she's a bird. [ He thinks for a second. ] Did you ever think about your future? I mean, beyond all the fate stuff. Just things that you wanted to do one day.

The first president of the United States. You didn't really think he was just a mortal did you? [He rolls his eyes.] She's going to be gifted with huge honors. I've always kinda felt she'd grow up to be powerful if she made it that long…just turned 16 over the summer.

[His hands are folded over his stomach and it seems like he's partially fascinated with the fact that they're rising and falling with his breathing.] Birds are the best though. Ever flown? Not in a plane or anything, I mean actually flying. I can't blame her. […there's a pause though. The future…it's hard to say and he doesn't speak for a moment.] …I've spent my whole life having people tell me they knew my fate and I was fated for something really terrible. I think I gave up thinking about the future after my quest. [There are things he wanted to do one day. He used to be a little more optimistic until everything fucked up so hard.] Or maybe after Thalia. I don't really remember when I stopped thinking I had a future.

[ He scoffs and then pauses to think about George Washington, considers it, then scoffs again. ] Sounds like she's survived a lot already. Not sure what could challenge her if saving Olympus didn't. [ But he decides to move on from that train of thought because the world sounds dangerous for her. And that's not what Luke should be thinking about right now. ]

... No, obviously, I've never grown wings and flown. [ He shakes his head. ] I was in a helicopter a couple times, but that's about it. [ He picks at something nonexistent on his pants, frowning as he considers what it would be like to not have any hope for a future. Adam wouldn't have survived if he didn't have that to cling on to. No wonder Luke did what he did. ]

You never had any dreams? Nothing you wanted to be? I mean, if you got a second chance out of here—or if you were reborn... what would you want?

Rebuilding it maybe. [He seems thoughtful about that, but in the end he's grateful Adam changes the subject. He thinks of explaining about the magical shoes his dad gave him for his quest, the pair of converse with little wings. But he doesn't get that far. He doesn't get that far because Adam's asking hard questions and he doesn't like it, doesn't like the way they make his fingers twitch nervously and his stomach tie in strange knots.

The truth is, he doesn't really know.]

What would I want? [He repeats the question because he genuinely doesn't understand. He doesn't have an answer right away, and he blinks up at the ceiling in thought.] ...a chance at a normal life, probably. Maybe rebirth will let me be normal without monsters chasing me every time I step outside and with a family-- [...this conversation just got a little too real so again, he's stopping.] What's it matter? I don't think I get to choose anyway.

[ Unfortunately, Adam understands entirely. He may not have been born supernatural, but he's always wanted a normal life too. A normal life in a normal house with a normal family. He never really imagined Ronan and Opal as being his normal family, but he's certainly not complaining.

He can tell that Luke doesn't really like this train of conversation, and he feels a little bad for it. But it's important to him that he knows this. ] Maybe you will. [ He shrugs. ] Sorry, it's only... that's what I think about when I want to keep myself going. What I want to get done. Guess I started thinking about you being there too.

[He's biting the inside of his cheek, nostrils flaring in an irritated manner as Adam presses the subject. He doesn't want to think about his dead end and he's about to snarl out such an answer when he registers what's being said.]

...being...where exactly? [Nope. Not following.]

[ This has definitely gone too far and not the way he wanted it to at all. He hoped Luke would have some sort of aspirations, maybe a dream career or something. He looks elsewhere, shaking his head, more embarrassed than disappointed. ]

It's not important. [ And it's really not. He gets up from his chair and reaches out his hand to pull Luke up, if he wants it. ] Did I make things worse?

[If anything Luke's more confused than upset because he's not sure what Adam's thinking. Maybe he should be less bitter. Maybe he should have hopes and dreams and aspirations, but...life for Luke Castellan sort of ended at seventeen and he lived another six years as maybe someone else. But that isn't on Adam.

He's the adult here. He has to be responsible and not let someone like Adam worry about him so much. He looks at the hand offered though and nods, sitting up to allow himself to be pulled to his feet.]

Nah. Just thinking about stuff. [A half-hearted grin.] If you made things worse, you wouldn't even have to ask. You'd know.

[ Adam is fairly sure that's not everything. He tries to let things go when Luke doesn't talk about them but—he's starting to feel the relationship is a little unequal when Luke is there to talk him down and Adam can't get him to say anything. He keeps a gentle grip on his wrist, insistent. ]

What sort of stuff? [ A huff. ] Come on, man. I just told you I was thinking about killing someone and that's all I get?

We're even. [The words are very calm, calculated and less impulsive than Luke usually is. It's something, some show of the fact that sometimes he really does seem much older than his twenty-three years of age. Strangely, he doesn't pull his arm out of Adam's grip. He isn't sure what to do with it.] I told you last week I was thinking of killing someone, and now we're even.

[But he considers for a moment, eyes dropping to Adam's hand on his wrist and then over to the desk where the crumples papers still are and then just past Adam's eyes so he's not directly looking at him.] You still worried I don't trust you?

[ Adam doesn't seem satisfied with the answer but he drops his wrist slowly, considering. ] No. I don't think you'd do all this if you didn't trust me. [ It's too hard to specify what 'all this' is because Luke has done so much for him. Every day, he does a lot for him. He protects him. How is he supposed to repay that other than being there? ]

But I'm worried that you're keeping things in. Trust me, I know that's easier, but it also takes a lot out of you. The secret, the motive from last week... It's not about being even, it's about being a friend. What can I do?

[And just like that his hands are slipping into the pockets of his shorts. He's closing himself off subtly, though he's not backing off just yet.]

You're doing enough. [Which is true.] You think anybody around here would be calm about somebody else breaking into their room? [There's a sigh, a hand rubbing the back of his head nervously then.] Adam you're the only person on this ship to know everything you know. That's…way more than enough. I don't think this is the time to psychoanalyze me. I've dealt like this on my own for years. What's another couple of weeks…or months?

[He pauses then, curious for a moment.] You wanna know what you can do for me? Promise me you're not gonna bail when things get really ugly. Dunno when that'll be or what'll cause it, but…I don't want to do that again. [Vague, as usual, but he hopes it's enough. He doesn't want to deal by himself when things get to be too overwhelming. Annabeth hadn't come with him. Thalia hadn't come with him. He doesn't want to think about how things will be if he doesn't have anybody else this time around.]

[ Adam is also not backing off. He's kind of debating on something though he can tell that Luke has closed himself off (because Adam has the same instinct). ] You're right. I'm sorry. [ Luke really has told him enough and Adam's also lived like this long enough to know that it's not easy to get anything out. He can't blame him for it, not when he still has a hard time talking to Gansey or Ronan about certain things.

But he does perk up again when Luke offers something that he can do. He's been waiting for a request since they started training. It seems so easy, though, that he looks confused. 'Really ugly' could mean a lot of things. On the ship, with the motives... or just with Luke. He's fine with all of those. ] You think I'd do that? You're... my trainer and my partner and the only one who's ever understood. You're important. [ To me, which is too hard to say. ]

[The thing that bothers him is that it's much harder to be responsible and be a good person when he's dealing with his own shit. He's closed off but he's not moving, hesitating mostly and patiently waiting to see what Adam says.]

Quit apologizing. [It's more rough than he means it to be, but he's not angry about it. It's matter of fact. Like how he feels about Elizabeth sometimes, Adam has nothing to apologize for. He recognizes the light in his eyes though the moment Luke offers him a task, and part of him feels disgusted that it's kind of a shitty task. Adam and Luke, at the core, are very, very similar. Luke's begun to realize this though he doesn't know if Adam has. He won't be the one to say so.]

I know. [He doesn't need to hear it because he's filling in the blanks himself. He's still hesitating before his hands come out of his pockets, coming up to rest on Adam's shoulders to finally look at him dead-on.] You know that and I know that, but just promise me anyway. It'll…help. [It'll help him feel better is really what he means.]

[ Adam is a liar and he doesn't think his word is good for very much, but he tells himself he has to keep this promise. Being around Luke started as a sort of protection deal, to get in good with someone strong who wasn't likely to betray him. It some ways it's still partially that, a big reason why he'd never abandon him, but also... Luke is damaged just like him. If there's no one who's there for them, they have to be there for each other. Luke has become his friend more than anything. ]

I promise. I won't bail no matter what happens. Even if there's an alien in there, I won't let it have you. [ How is he going to do that? Who knows, but he's promised it so now he has to do it. There's a pause and he's slow to move, but his arms come around Luke for a hug. It's loose, like it's alright if Luke wants to break away. He just has something to say first: ] Thank you.

[It wouldn't matter. He's already resigned himself to the fact he'd protect Adam Parrish until the project ended or Luke himself died, but he refused to let anything happen to this kid. He started as a student and protege. Now he's probably Luke's favorite person on this ship solely because he gets it.

So even if it were a lie, he'd believe it. He doesn't say anything, though the hug surprises him. He doesn't pull back though his shoulders tense like he's unsure what to do with that. He doesn't exactly return the gesture, but one of the hands on Adam's shoulder comes up to loosely drape in what would probably be a one-armed hug if he wasn't so perplexed but it's there. It's still contact and it's still by his own volition.]

Don't thank me for anything yet. Thank me when you get out of here alive. […but this helps, too.] I'm not going to ask if you think things will be okay…but think they'll be good enough for today?

[ That's alright, it's weird. Everything about this is weird, but it makes him feel better to actually have some human contact. He pulls back soon enough to make it a little less weird, but he doesn't regret it. Something could easily happen to one of them at any point, and he wants Luke to know he appreciates him. ]

You've done more than you needed to. [ He never expected this sort of kindness from people here. He manages a smile, not feeling easy but feeling like he can get through the week. So he nods. ] Yeah. Someone's going to kill for this, but it won't be me. And it won't be us getting hunted. That's all I can ask for.

[ He holds up his fist expectantly for a bump. ]

[The weirdest part is that now that that's happened Luke's more likely to be casually affectionate and assume that's okay. So good job Adam I guess. Still, he's...not quite settled and not quite happy but he feels better. Adam's mind is off of the killing, his mind is off of what he saw on the datapad, and he's confident they'll be able to get through this week without anything awful happening to either of them.]

That's about all I can ask for, too. [And okay, okay...there goes the fistbump and he smirks softly.] Enough of that. I'm gonna go back to the cafeteria for something. You comin' or stayin'?

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

I'm trapped in these negative vibes, I can't seem to find the outside [Monday, Week 8]

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